922nd AIRCRAFT CONTROL AND WARNING SQUADRON (ADC)
United States Air Force
APO New York, 09433
REPLY TO
ATTN OF: 922CAS
SUBJECT: Certificate of Honorable Duty at the Nine Double Deuce
TO: -- The Friends and Family of:
1. -- Issued in solemn warning this_____day of __________ 19 _____ to the friends and family of ___________________________________ now serving at the famous 922d. Very soon now, the above named will take his place again as a human being with freedom, engaged in life, liberty and somewhat pursuit of happiness. You are respectfully cautioned to treat this tired and confused specimen with care (accent on care), affection, respect and love. Show no surprise at his broken Eskimo and English accent or if an occasional off-color phrase slips out, for he has been far from home, been through a lot and has been "PLENTY SHOOK UP" from being told he was "HUNG WITH SOME TIME" by the "SHORT TIMERS" of the "NINE DOUBLE DEUCE.".
2. -- This man should not be allowed to have in his possession any large sums of American Currency or an access to any type of magazine. To avoid any embarrassment, keep all trash cans empty or out of sight. Dirty or filled ashtrays will no longer be a problem in your home but always keep a plumbers "Handy Dandy Plunger" on hand. Show no surprise if he prefers dessert at the dinner table and he consumes his meal in record time. Please humor him if he wants to show you a motorboat in your soup, milk, coffee, etc. Do not think it strange if he insists on sleeping in his parka and keeping his boots by his side at all times. Above all, keep to a minimum all remarks about the advantage of a career in the service and do not laughingly ask why someone made a stripe and he didn’t. Make sure the ice box is well stocked with fresh vegetables, Red Meat (not old hamburger or blubber), butter and put a note out for the milkman at least a week in advance to insure a good supply of fresh milk. This is because your loved one, who will soon be home, is tired of a "NO MILK DIET."
3. -- Wipe off and polish the car, get his civvies out of moth balls, fill up the bath tub, break out a large clean towel, warn all the neighbors and welcome him with a cool stimulant. For the first few weeks, until he is house broken, be very watchful of him while he is around women, especially young attractive specimens. After seeing hundreds of beautiful women in the movies, he fancies himself quite a masterful lover. Keep in mind that beneath his pallor beats a heart of gold. With tolerance, kindness and love, you will, in time, rehabilitate that which is now a hollow shell of the happy soul you once knew before this strange tour on the famous "922d."
4. -- If you notice this man looking at the walls with a vacant stare, clear the room immediately. Under these circumstances he is likely to be dangerous. If, after two or three weeks at home, this does not occur, you can be reasonably sure that he is past the critical stage, but you should still be alert!!!!
5. -- If the foregoing advice is kept in mind, your loan to the Eskimos will slowly begin to resemble the pre-Eskimo specimen that you once knew. Through out his year tour, he has only gained a year in age but many in mind. He may be slightly changed in weight and stature, have a new appreciation of a buddy and of life itself and will be thankful for the feeling of knowing he made it home. It seems likely that within ____ days he will stand before you once again dressed in his blue uniform, complete with stripes, medals and anti-freeze.
WORDS NOT TO BE USED IN HIS PRESENCE FOR AT LEAST NINETY DAYS:
FIRE: This word will cause tensing of the muscles and violent twitching of the eyeballs and at least 15 minutes of violent shaking spasms.
SITE OR GOOSE: The frozen Hell. These words will cause a vacant stare to come to his eyes. (See instructions on first page, paragraph 4)
GLOSSARY OF TERMS YOU MAY EXPECT TO HEAR:
NINE DOUBLE DEUCE: -- Last legal residence
SHOOK UP: -- Pretty far gone or real worried
NO SWEAT: -- Nothing to worry about
SORRY ABOUT THAT: -- Tough luck
TAKEN TO THE PUMP: -- You’ve had it
HUNG WITH SOME DAYS: -- A lot of time to do on the 922D
SOME WONDERFUL GOOD: -- Anything real nice
SHORT TIMER: -- Short time to go on the 922D
PHRASES NOT TO BE USED IN HIS PRESENT:
"How was the food up there?"
"The Chopper turned around and went back!"
"I hope it snows for Christmas."
6. Send no more letters or packages to this guy after_________________________________.